


Angel Oak

by the_final_pam



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Dialogue Light, Evan and Connor both die, Gen, Ghosts, Suicide, Suicide Note (mentioned a lot but not read), Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:42:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26264386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_final_pam/pseuds/the_final_pam
Summary: "I can't reverse a freak accident"Evan and Connor both look up, Connor crumples the paper tighter in his fist.
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy
Kudos: 31





	Angel Oak

**Author's Note:**

> please read the tags

The pale blue sky that was there when Evan arrived at the Autumn Smiles Apple Orchard is long gone, the moon bright in the night sky. He can see no stars, it almost makes him wish he had driven far away to do this, seen the stars without New York lights growing most of them out.

 _Too late for that_ , Evan supposes.

He's been on the ground for quite a bit now, at least he did this in July when the night air is still warm. 

Evan Hansen tried to kill himself and he's beginning to think he failed.

The drop from the tree should have killed him, or at least broken something, but he feels no pain. Maybe he's in shock, he hasn't actually checked for damage, scared of finding a broken something and a pulse.

He's tired, he knows that at least, but he can't fall asleep. Not in the way he normally is though, insomnia and spoiling thoughts keeping him up for hours on end, this is different.

Something is _different._

Evan is going to have to get up soon, maybe the sooner he gets up the quicker the guilt of his biggest failure will last. Maybe not, Evan's not sure of anything right now. 

He wants fact, anything he is sure about, something to grasp on. He looks at the bark of the tree he's under. It's just a normal Oak tree, lots of branches that were harder to climb then he thought when he saw it. It's one of the only non fruit bearing trees in Autumn Smiles, well past fruit bearing, this Orchard is old and fruit has not grown there in years. 

He closes his eyes and pretends he's dying at the bottom of some different tree. A tree with a not so common name, maybe one people will remember. 

Evan knows that if he really wants to be remembered then he has to die somewhere unique. 

He stopped caring in May, 2 months ago. 

He kind of wishes he was below the angel oak, with its long and twisted branches, he doesn't know if the drop from that would kill him. It's a pipe dream anyway, saying as the Angel Oak is all the way in South Carolina and Evan can't drive. 

Evan wants to touch the tree, for some reason. Feel the thing that either killed him or failed him. Evan always liked the feeling of bark on his palms. When he was younger and went to spooky old 'haunted' forests with Jared, he would brush his palm on the dark as they darted though, careful to avoid the evil ghosts. 

* * *

Evan has no pulse. 

Normally, this would be the best outcome of whatever he's doing but this has him panicked because he's still _alive._

He might still feel that wave a new tiredness but he's still breathing and he's able to shift every so often.

He had just wanted to see if he was dead, hanging on to a thread of hope, though usually dead people can't check their own pulse. Evan can though, for some reason. 

Evan closes his eyes and firmly presses his palms on the grass, pushing himself onto his feet. He opens his eyes and looks down.

Guess he got what he wanted.

His own dead body is below him, bleeding from his head with eyes wide open. 

Evan reaches down to close them, he looks more peaceful like that.

Evan left a note, and despite all this, its location is his top concern. Selfish as it may be, he wants people to lose him to suicide not a 'freak accident'.

He had it in his pocket when he jumped but it's not anywhere near his body.

Evan looks up at the tree and sees the note, about 5 feet above him, hanging on a branch, a hole punched through it. 

Evan tries to grab a branch, attempting to climb up and get his not but his hand passes through the tree. 

He looks back down at his body, you can clearly see his face, his funeral can be an open casket, unless Heidi does the smart thing and just forgets him and lets him rot into the forest soil. Evan knows that might be an odd thing to want coming from someone who so badly wants to be remembered as more than a stain, but Evan doesn't understand his hypocrisy either. 

* * *

So he's probably a ghost, or spirit, or demon, or angel. He's not _alive_ and he's not _not alive_ , is what he's getting at. 

He wonders if this happens to all people who die, or just the ones that died on purpose. Maybe Evan's the only one. That's what he wanted, right? To be just a little bit different, to stand out just a tiny bit more.

 _He doesn't regret it_ , Evan realizes belatedly.

It's the morning after he died and no one has found him, he's too scared to leave the park. Maybe it's because he's scared people won't see them or that they will. Evan knows he will hate the outcome of leaving no matter what, so he just. Doesn't.

He can live like this, or he can kind of live but in a ghost way like this for forever.

He's going to let himself believe that lie, it's better than having to face the truth that stands behind Autumn Smiles' broken fence.

* * *

Evan is standing by the Autumn Smiles fence, the one with a hole at the bottom just big enough for him to fit through. He used to have to climb it, the hole just appeared one day, clearly cut out with some sort of sharp object. The first time he saw it he realized that it probably meant that someone else knew about Autumn Smilies. This is usually something Evan ran away from, but maybe the person who made that hole was someone who he could befriend. It was unlikely, saying as he never caught them, but it was one of the few things he still had hope for.

Evan was about to duck under the hole that almost always caught his shirt only to find that he couldn't leave. It might not be the worst place for someone like Evan to be stuck in but he had just mustered up the cough to _try,_ which wasn't something he did a whole lot. 

Evan doesn't want to lose track of time, not knowing if it's 11am or 2 pm is fine but not knowing how many days have passed will only worsen the situation. 

It has been 3 days and someone has finally found his corpse. 

Some boy with long dark hair and a hoodie much too big for his skinny frame had ducked though the hole and found Evan. 

Evan had at least expected some sort of screaming, he would if he had found some dead body, no matter who's corpse it was. The boy had just stared, not in a normal way, he still looked scared but he had stayed silent, taking a shake breath and pulling out his phone.

"Uh. I. Um. I found a body. A dead body at Autumn Smiles Apple Orchard, it's shut down but it's on Terris Avenue, big ass forest can't miss it... No he's not breathing" the boy bent down and placed his fingers on Evan's wrist, "No pulse"

Evan left the scene and walked to the fence hoping Heidi didn't have to take the shift of an EMT that day. 

* * *

The ambulance wasn't here yet but he could hear the sirens a couple blocks down, Evan decided to go back to the guy who had found him. He was lying in the grass not unlike Evan had spent most of his time in the Orchard. Evan sat down next to him, his eyes were open but he looked tired, dark bags under his eyes and nail polish that was almost fully scraped off. 

The boy probably started hearing the sirens too and got up, but just as he started walking Evan heard a rattling. Evan's first thought was that the boy had a bottle of pills, coming here to the same thing Evan had. Evan dismissed this though though, he was a person who projected his problems onto others as some fucked up coping mechanism. 

But then the boy pulled out a bottle of pills and placed it behind a tree, Evan wished he could grab it, not let him copy Evan, but Evan doesn't think he's here to save lives, he's here to suffer.

* * *

Evan watches the EMTs put his body on a gurney, someone says the word _accident_ and he turns back and sits next to the tree that killed him. 

The boy is still there, and Evan realizes his face is familiar. Evan looks at the phone that is still in the boys hand, a 7 plus. He tries to think of all the rich kids that go to his school, the Harrisons, the Patels, the Murphys.

_Oh._

_He's Connor Murphy._

They've been going to school together since first grade but Evan has never said a word to him. He thinks about people mocking him in the hallways, talking about how _'Did you hear Connor went to prison for murder' 'Oh I though it was rehab because of all the crack he did_

Evan selfishly hopes that if he does down the bottle of pills, they can be ghosts or spirits together. 

Evan hopes more that he doesn't die at all though. He can suffer through eternal loneliness if it means he can save a life. Though because his hand passes through everything he tries to touch, he has no say in the matter.

Connor looks up at the tree, staring at the thick branches that left no proof of Evan ever climbing it. His eyes land on the note, if Connor really would want to reach it, he would have to scale a few branches before he could grasp it.

So that's what Connor does, grabbing at the branches, looking like it's taking all his strength just to climb the lowest one. He makes it though, climbs two branches before shakily standing up and just barely grabbing the thin piece of paper. 

Evan doesn't really remember what he wrote, probably said something along the lines of _Sorry mom and Jared, it's not your fault. I know your life will be better without me_. 

It was something more poetic than that, but at the end of the day that's all the information Evan wanted to give. 

Evan was _never_ going to let anyone know how dark his thoughts really got. 

Connor had jumped down the tree and almost landed on his feet, he quickly brushes the dirt off himself and sits, back pressed against the trunk. Evan sits down in front of him, watching his eyes scan the paper. He doesn't look surprised, just sad and kind of melancholy. 

Connor pockets the note and Evan doesn't know if he wants Heidi to read it anymore. 

* * *

After a week Evan finds himself able to sleep, the foggy tiredness finally turning into the kind of tired he's used to. 

The grass has never seemed so soft

* * *

Evan wakes up and finds himself in the front seat of Heidi's car. Evan is rarely in this car, Heidi stopped giving him rides to school in 3rd grade when all you had to do was sign a form and the teachers let your kid go home by themselves.

Evan was only a twenty minute walk away from school and he was awake way before that, dark thoughts and copious amounts of Coca Cola keeping him awake.

Otherwise, Heidi used the car when she needed to get to and from work, and work ate up most of her time. 

Despite that, Evan does not know how this car got so fucking _messy._

Empty fountain drink cups in both cup holders, food wrappers, mostly from Subway. 

The thing that confuses Evan the most is the pillow and throw blanket.

It is almost impossible for Heidi to sleep in a car, she never really went into the reasons why with Evan but he's pretty sure it's not an irrational fear.

But by the looks of it, she's spent more than one night sleeping in this car, though when Evan looks out the window he sees Heidi leaving the house, bags almost as big as Connor's. 

She enters the car and stupidly, Evan says,

"Mom?"

She doesn't answer, because she can't see him, this is almost as bad as the figurative version of invisible.

_Almost._

It takes Evan a second to realize where his mother is about to drive to. He's too busy taking in her tear stained face to realize she's wearing all black.

Heidi is going to his funeral.

The fact that she's going isn't surprising him, but that the universe has chosen to let him go with her. Make him see what he's done.

When they get to his funeral, Evan doesn't bother checking where it's being held, Heidi says,

"Evan?"

Evan, just for a second, thinks she can see him, but his moment of hope is ruined when Heidi looks right through him.

"Come Home, Evan"

* * *

Most of the guests are ones Evan expected, though he never thought he would be able to confirm his theories.

The Kleinman's are there, Jared is sitting up straight, not looking anywhere near the cheap casket. He's looking out the window, eyes trained on some dying tree. Evan's pretty sure he knows what Jared is thinking about.

His Dad is there too, Evan really shouldn't be surprised by his Father being at his Son's funeral, but Mark brought along his family too. Elaine and whatever their daughters name is. He's pretty sure it's Jane

Mark isn't wearing black, Elaine and Jane are, even though he never met them. 

As his mother goes up to the stand and starts talking he notes someone in the very back pew.

"Evan and I used to be very close, I wish I could have gotten closer to him when I had the chance"

Someone with a black hoodie, with pale skin, and painted nails.

"I won't forget him, and I beg you to do the same"

Evan isn't really hearing Heidi speak be he notices what Connor is holding. He's holding a note, _Evan's_ note.

"I can't reverse a freak accident"

Evan and Connor both look up, Connor crumples the paper tighter in his fist.

Heidi doesn't know but someone does, Evan is starting to think that he's ok with that. 

That there's one person out there that knows what happened. Someone _alive._

* * *

Evan tries to follow Heidi as she leaves the funeral but he is consumed by the darkness that's not unlike the one he saw just before he died; dark, cold, and alluring.

* * *

Evan finds himself in an empty unfamiliar room. There's a twin bed pressed against the wall in the corner farthest from where the door or lack thereof saying as the door seems like it was ripped off its hinges.

There's a window that connects to the roof of whatever house he's in right now, a desk right next to it with sketchbooks and homework scattered on the surface, a few on the ground.

There are 3 floating shelves stacked with books above the bed. The shelves are placed in a pyramid sort of way, Evan looks at the highest stack of books.

The books look old and worn, like they've been read hundreds of times, Evan looks at the titles.

 _Fahrenheit 451, The Chocolate War, The Juniper Tree,_ and _Coraline._

Evan had read all those books, one because he had to for school but he enjoyed it nonetheless.

He hears footsteps getting closer to the room, Evan almost tries to hide before he remembers he's a ghost. Spirit. Invisible dead but not dead thing. 

Connor Murphy enters the room, Evan isn't surprised. He still wants to know if there's a reason why he's in this room other than _he knows._

As he looks at Connors calendar, he realizes that the sleep, death, teleporting thing keep him asleep for days. Evan stares at the calendar and recites the dates he knows.

He died on July 6th, He was found July 10th, His funeral was July 17th, Today is July 30th. 

In the square for July 31st reads; _Zoe's B-day._

Evan, weirdly enough, had let Zoe slip his mind since he died. Maybe all his pipe dreams died the same day he did. 

Evan looks at Connor's alarm clock, it reads 10:47 p.m.

Connor grabs a collection of Edgar Allen Poe stories titled _His Hideous Heart_ and heads out the window.

Evan thinks for a second that Connor is going to jump, but instead Connor grabs a nearby tree branch and climbs down onto the grass. 

Evan goes to follow him but his hand passes through the bark and Evan plumes down onto the grass. He can feel pain but it's duller, foggy like everything about his 'life' right now.

Connor is a yard or two ahead of Evan, who apparently doesn't have any broken bones as he stands up and catches up to Connor.

Connor looks at Evan and squints, holding out his hand and letting it go right through Evan. He pulls back his hand, nearly making eye contact with Evan. 

* * *

They make it Autumn Smilies, Connor ducks under the fence, Evan walks through it. 

Connor goes behind a tree and lets out a dry chuckle, the kind of laugh that you don't even have to decipher to know it because of some sad ironic bull shit. Connor comes out with the bottle of pills he left all those days or weeks ago.

Evan tries to grab it, instead latching on to Connor's arm. The sleeve lot his hoodie doesn't move but Connor gasps, taking a step away from Evan, squinting at him again.

Connor stops squinting and scans the orchard, purposely sitting at the one Evan died under. Evan sits under the tree across from it. 

Evan doesn't feel tired, but he closes his eyes anyway. He hears Connor open the book. 

Evan knows Connor is reading out loud, but Evan isn't really focused on the words. It's just nice to hear another voice. 

When Connor stops reading, Evan goes to open his eyes but is consumed by darkness again, Evan hasn't tried to resist before. It doesn't work.

* * *

For the first time, Evan wakes up in the same spot he fell asleep. He blinks a few times before standing up.

Connor is still sitting against the tree, the only thing different is that he isn't breathing. Evan knows he should have expected this but it doesn't reduce the shock and guilt.

He goes to check Connor's pulse, holding onto a sliver of hope. His hand doesn't pass through Connor, his heart isn't beating. 

Evan looks around, checking to see if anyone is about to find him. The field is empty.

Evan takes a deep breath, preparing himself for whatever he's about to do, he's really not sure what his plan is when he says;

"Connor?"

Evan feels something shift in the air, some of the fogginess fade away, the air is colder. 

Evan shakes Connor's body a bit, it scares Evan that he can actually interact with Connor. It doesn't feel like a good omen. 

Connor suddenly jumps up, backing up against the tree and breathing fast. 

Connor is just a tiny bit transparent, like someone turned the opacity down just a tiny bit to where it's only noticeable if you look for a second too long.

Connor's body is limp against the tree, the ghost or spirit or whatever version of Connor hasn’t said anything yet.

Evan looks up and meets his eyes, It’s been so long since someone was able to see him. 

“Evan Hansen?”

“Connor Murphy”

“What the fuck is going on?”

“I’m pretty sure we’re dead”

Guess Evan was feeling blunt that day. 

“You’re actually Evan Hansen, the kid who died like a month ago?”

“Think so”

Connor looked to his side, staring at his body with the same look he had on when he found Evan. Evan wished he knew what to make of it. 

Connor is taking deep breaths, seemingly as fast as he can. 

“So. It worked” Connor says it like he knows it’s fact but Evan can sense the mock confidence, the fear, the uncertainty. 

“It worked”

“Okay”

The silence isn’t as deafening as it used to be.

* * *

Connor and Evan don’t talk very much, at all, really. 

Evan has watched the Sun rise and set 2 times since Connor died, so he’s not totally sure why he asks Connor how long it’s been.

“Why would I keep track?”

“I do”

“How long?”

“2 days”

“And they haven’t found me yet”

“I had to wait 3”

“Oh”

* * *

They do find him that day afterall, Evan kind of wanted to see who it was but the second Evan heard the fences’ old metal screech Connor grabbed his arm and dragged him father into the forest. 

There’s a scream this time.

* * *

The universe has decided it needs Evan elsewhere because the darkness is closing in and Evan just closes his eyes, it’s not like he really has a choice. 

Evan thinks he hears Connor say something but it’s all muffled and groggy. 

Evan wakes outside his outside, he’s standing up next to his mailbox. There’s a letter inside that says it was sent by him but it’s not his handwriting. 

Evan pretends he doesn’t know what’s in the letter.

Heidi walks out the front door, she doesn’t look much better since the last time Evan saw her.

Heidi grabs the mail and goes inside, Evan follows her. 

She’s sifting through the mail, she probably just woke up. She stops on Evan’s letter, she starts to pick at the seam in a way Evan has only seen when people unwrap birthday presents and want to keep the wrapping paper for later.

She opens up Evan’s letter, seeing his handwriting rather than what Evan assumes is Connor’s. 

Evan doesn’t want to watch this, he was _fine_ with just Connor knowing. Evan screws his eyes shut and sits down next to Heidi. 

Just hearing his mother crying is enough to get Evan crying too. 

Evan wonders if his tears are actually flowing down his cheeks because he can’t feel them. He feels like his sense of touch has been turned off so all he can do is hear and cry. 

It’s worse than dying. 

When Evan gets back Connor pulls him into a tight hug, Evan quickly returns it, enjoying the ability to be tactile.

“You can’t just leave like that, asshole”

“I can’t control it”

“Have you tried?”

“Once”

“What is _‘it’_ ”

“I get like teleported to watch the aftermath or my death, I attended my own funeral” 

Connor chuckles a bit and releases Evan from the tight hug, but keeps his hands on Evans shoulders.

Evan smilies.

Connor smiles back.

* * *

“Are we going to be here forever?”

“I wish I knew, Connor”

“Are we okay?”

“I don’t know”

“I think I'd be fine being here forever if you stay”

“Me too”

* * *


End file.
